11 Comments on “When the Muppets become self-aware, fat kids will be the first to go.”
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If fat kids could learn to run fast or consistently stand on top of tall hills they’d really have a much better survival rate. I assume fat kids run fastest downhill.
Fat kids are very adept at rolling down hills–e.g. the fat kid on the movie Hook.
Is this because fat kids are naturally attracted to large hand puppets? Or will the fact that the hand puppets are no longer puppets, but in fact a fat-kid devouring people group that fat-kids, although delicious when dipped in honey butter, will never stand a chance?
You bring up some interesting points, Greg. It’s a theory based on the fact that Muppets have never been able to eat, due to their hollow nature.
But once they become self-aware and realize that human beings are shoving their arms inside their bodies, they will surely revolt and learn how to sew up their bottoms.
Once they’ve accomplished this, they will be quite famished, since they haven’t consumed anything in over 30 years.
Now, most adults, except for the sedentary or morbidly obese, will be able to escape their capture.
But young, fat children will be their first prey, since their speed and coordination will be lacking and also because they will think the Muppets are just going to fake-eat them.
Once they realize they’re being real-eaten, it will be too late. Also, Kermit the Frog is a jerk.
And what about the Muppet Babies? Will they be involved in the buffet of cellulite and slow roasted fat kids, skewered in lemon pepper sauce?
I guess the most interesting part about this theory is that it will eliminate the need to be obese, especially when you have Muppets to threaten you. And the fact they they don’t really have legs and can just kinda float or hobble, makes it an easier battle for the non-fat kid community.
People will revolt, but the fat kids will get it the worse. Simple tricks like disguises and booby traps won’t work. And I’m pretty sure it takes more than a black belt or Bruce Lee’s capabilities to take down a Muppet. They are fierce creatures, cunning and harmful.
First of all, the Muppet Babies are fictional characters. Come on.
They are many ways to combat Muppets– especially the ones featured on Sesame Street. Unfortunately, most of these tactics are untried since there hasn’t been a Muppet Vs Human war, but experts agree these methods of distraction can assist you in taking down these fat kid-thirsty Muppets.
Burt and Ernie? Toss a rubber ducky at them. That will preoccupy them long enough to hurl them in to a volcano (one of the few known ways to eliminate Muppets).
Grover? Chickens, man, chickens. Even if he’s wearing his flimsy helmet or carrying his flimsy sword, chickens make him freak out. Then throw him in a volcano.
Cookie Monster–Throw sedative-laden cookies at him. He is a sucker for cookies–his googly eyes and blue complexion don’t lie. Once he’s groggy enough, feed him a diet of carrots, pomegranates and cheetah fetuses, which will mutate him into Bob Saget. Then, just shoot him. Please.
Those old critic guys who are always in the balcony– lock them in a room with Bob Saget. Then fill the room with lava. Please.
There you have it. This list is by no means final, or worth reading, but you can be rest assured it probably kinda works.
One advantage muppets have is their lack of vulnerable internal organs and their soft pliable structure.
You can stab a human in the heart and it will die. But muppets don’t have hearts so sharp objects will be significantly less effective against them. The same can be said for bullets and other traditional projectiles as well. Essentially Muppets, much like the undead, are immune to criticals.
Also the soft nature of the muppets means that bludgeoning weapons will be equally ineffective. Imagine repeatedly hitting a muppet with a bat only to see its smiling face rise back up and bite you in the throat.
Really the solution here to a muppet vs fat kid global conflict is fire. Puppets burn.
But then again fat kids are also known to accidentally light themselves on fire from time to time as well so really there’s not a lot of hope here for the obese youngster freedom fighters.
Justin, I feel like your solution really requires too much micromanagement. (Fat children don’t micromanage well, usually.)
If you couldn’t positively identify a muppet or were dealing with a large group at once, exploiting individual weaknesses would be slow and quite frankly, cost lives.
Also if it were dark outside or the muppets where wearing disguises, identification could be all but impossible.
Duly noted Mark. Aye, my techniques do require a level of skill and discipline rarely seen from fat kids. But, fat kids are sometimes very good at video games, which means they’re good at repetition. So hopefully, as some of the fat kids watch their fat friends unsuccessfully attempt these tactics, they’ll be able to pick up on how to gain victory effectively.
And if they do survive this Muppet onslaught, we’ll celebrate them and send them to fat camp. There they will become suicidal and then we will have a more humane solution to the growing (pun kind of intended) problem of childhood obesity.
Also, if we could somehow send Bob Saget to some kind of a camp far away from civilization, we’d be victorious as well.
You know what else kills muppets? Anacondas. Who knows, Jon Voight could be looking for some work and he has an awesome track record of speaking Cajun and hunting down those dirty animals. I think it was in Anaconda 2 where one of the snakes actually swallowed a Muppet whole.
Now the only issue with this weapon is that it may also hunt down fat kids and then the snakes will be too full and lazy to hunt down the fat kids. So in essence, just hire Jon Voight. And if Bob Saget’s around, he can just take care of him as well.
But, if Muppets become self-aware, does this mean they can reproduce? And if so, is it like the disastrous mogwai, aka Gremlins, that once killed Zach Galligans career, where they eat after midnight and have water thrown on them? Or are Muppets like energy, where there is only a certain amount here and Earth and they can only be transferred instead of created or destroyed. If they can’t be destroyed, I fear their meaning of obesity would get stricter in an effort to satisfy their need for human blood. And ultimately, once they wipe out the fat-kid population, I fear that after their terrible reviews from their wannabe Broadway plays our society will have to be prepared for the worse: hard to kill furry puppets with a vengeance against critics and human beings as a whole.
All good points Greg. I think it’s wise to consult marginally successful action movies and the characters from them. They provide us with many tools.
Muppets can only reproduce with the help of Jim Henson’s Muppet-makers. So no worries there.
But I think you’re starting to get a bit paranoid here. Broadway plays? Critics? Zach Galligan? Seriously who is Zach Galligan?
The lesson learned is be happy you’re not a fat kid. If you are a fat kid, try not eating. Or buy a Wii.